I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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