now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I want to walk on stilts...naked
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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