I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
