i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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