remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
