Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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