I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
