I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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