I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
