foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
