you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
