my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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