I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
