She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she pinky promised me she was 18
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
