How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
