I wish I could teleport
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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