I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
