Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
