I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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