I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's blow job season.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
