me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
