angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
