You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
