What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize