May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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