If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
