I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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