My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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