I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
