if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
