There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
