so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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