I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
