i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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