like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
