I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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