I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
