Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
