john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
