That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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