nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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