eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the day after is always just damage control
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
