so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
