The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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