Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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