Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
