she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
