If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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