omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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