I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
