I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
