i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
