Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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