I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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