Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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