"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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