I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
