never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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