Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
