I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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