I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you made out with another girl for some wings
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize