4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
