Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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