You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
